


In That Book Which Is My Memory

by GoodnightDearVoid97



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Beyer-verse, F/M, Fluff, Relaunch Fic, Romance, all hail Kirsten Beyer, with a bit of a time jump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-17
Updated: 2019-07-17
Packaged: 2020-06-30 08:33:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19849459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoodnightDearVoid97/pseuds/GoodnightDearVoid97
Summary: With only two weeks left in the Full Circle Fleet's mission, Kathryn and Chakotay spend an evening alone on the holodeck.





	In That Book Which Is My Memory

**Author's Note:**

> Once again, Caladenia has outdone herself as a beta. <3  
> Title is derived from Dante's Vita Nuova:  
> “In that book which is my memory,  
> On the first page of the chapter that is the day when I first met you,  
> Appear the words, ‘Here begins a new life’.”

Kathryn Janeway circled the empty holodeck for the seventh time. Never mind that with each step, the hem of her dress itched her knees. In order to remain calm, she had to keep moving. Earlier that morning, summoning Chakotay to her office to ask him on a date seemed the most natural course of action. Now, ten minutes before she told Chakotay to arrive, her braid threatened to come loose for all the anxious tugging she’d subjected it to.

The closer the Full Circle Fleet neared to home, the more contagious the excitement became. The increasingly light workload allotted time for longing, planning, and mischief, even for the senior staff. Influenced by the spirit of their crew, Kathryn and Chakotay had relaxed the parameters of their relationship. While their relationship hadn’t been a secret for some time, for propriety’s sake, their flirtations remained relatively inconspicuous. After a staff meeting, Chakotay would sometimes linger to tell her how distracting he found her. They held hands on their way to separate duty shifts. At least once a week, Kathryn leaned over the conn on _Voyager_ ’s bridge. Now, a mere two weeks from the Alpha Quadrant, their discretion felt like an exercise.

In private, they embraced their freedom. Thrumming with the anticipation of time together away from protocol and expectations, they drowned in the intensity of their kisses, their touches, their love. Most nights she fell asleep naked, warm, and sated on his chest. Their relationship was decadent on the precipice of new territory. A week before, as she read the requests for their next—and last—supply run at New Talax, it struck her, like a jolt in the midst of a pleasant dream. Once they returned to the Alpha Quadrant, the future that Kathryn and Chakotay had forsaken for cherishing every moment would arrive. Life together, as people who could finally put each other before their crew, was close enough to touch, and Kathryn couldn’t help but dream.

For the first time, she dreamt of the future she wanted, the future Chakotay wanted, and the fun they’d have reconciling the two.

So she asked Chakotay on a date.

_"We don’t have much experience dating, do we?” she’d asked only hours ago._

_Chakotay reached for her hands. “I don’t know. We’ve had quite a few candlelight dinners.”_

_Kathryn grinned up at him. “True. But it’s been a while since we’ve had time for one of those.”_

_Eyes glittering with adoring mischief, Chakotay asked, “Is that what I can expect on the holodeck tonight? Are you cooking?”_

_When he laughed, Kathryn swatted his chest. “No, I want to surprise you for a change.” Before she lost her nerve, she wrapped her arms around Chakotay’s waist and buried her face in his chest. “Holodeck one, 1900 hours.”_

She reveled in the memory of his roaming hands on her back. Even then she held her secret close.

Not long now.

Drawing on the peace that Chakotay’s undying devotion wrought in her, Kathryn took a breath and closed her eyes. “Computer, active program Janeway-theta-four.”

Instantly, the rippling river calmed her nerves, and Kathryn considered allowing Chakotay to find her there, eyes closed, soul both reaching out and searching within. After a few deep breaths of the damp air she tried her best to recreate, she opened her eyes.

Colors mingled on the New Earth horizon, where the tops of trees and hills dotted its plateau. In this light, the distant fauna was tinged with orange, but the river’s trees and flowers were shadowed in the waning light. The water flowed south and tripped over protruding rocks in various stages of erosion, before dropping off into a deeper, less precarious, end of the river.

“You call that dress _business casual_?”

As Kathryn spun around, her hands found their home on her hips. Chakotay approached, hands behind his back, donning a crimson button-down, black slacks, and a smirk.

“Damn it, you’re early,” Kathryn admonished.

The severity of her tone did not dissuade Chakotay. Once he was within reach, he offered his irresistible smile and the pink rose he’d hidden. “Forgive me?”

Kathryn fiddled with the end of her braid, simultaneously loving and despising his ability to pacify her with a thoughtful gesture. Wrapping her fingers around the smooth stem, she kissed his cheek. “Only because this is my favorite flower.”

When Chakotay cupped her face in his hands and kissed her slowly, she ignored her anxiety and allowed the inalienable truth of their love to overwhelm her. She sighed as his hands grazed her collarbones on their way down to her hips, knowing she had to stop him before they ended up in the grass.

“Don’t you want to see your surprise?” she panted against his lips, their breath mingling in the space between them.

He skimmed the backs of his fingers up and down her sides. “You mean you reserving the holodeck for three uninterrupted hours, showing up in an exquisite dress the color of your eyes, and greeting me like this _isn’t_ the surprise?”

Kathryn interlaced their fingers to keep him from causing any more trouble. “No, but I’m glad you like those things.” She stepped back, pulse quickening as her plans returned to the forefront of her mind. “Anything look familiar?”

For the first time since he’d arrived, Chakotay swept his gaze over the grass shrouded by towering trees and interrupted by a rolling river. He didn’t recognize his surroundings until he set eyes on a wooden boat laying snug in a nearby stretch of bank. “Is this…”

“We made some fond memories on New Earth, but you had so many more dreams for this place. I thought I might give you one. It took me forever to find your blueprints for the boat, and then B’Elanna had to help me—building was always your specialty—and there’s a picnic over there. I thought we could eat here in the clearing and then go for a ride on the river. I know it’s not the same—“

“It’s perfect,” Chakotay said. “When did you find the time to do all of this?”

Kathryn tugged on his hands to coax him toward the picnic. “This is the product of sleepless hours apart from you.” Her stay in the Alpha Quadrant had been the first of many times that duty had forced them apart. During potently trying times, Kathryn woke with an ache in her chest for him, so when she couldn’t focus on work at two in the morning, she would wander to the holodeck and remember New Earth. The program transferred with her from the _Vesta_ to _Voyager_ , where she continued to struggle to program the right shade of beige or the pervasive smell of tree bark.

As he crossed his legs on the checkered blanket, Chakotay shook his head. “When we get to Earth, I’m going to do everything I can to ensure you never sleep alone.”

Assurances like that had always set Kathryn’s battered heart racing, but tonight she thought she might be hyperventilating. Every time he opened his mouth, she wondered if he already knew what she wanted to ask him. Desperate for a distraction, she gestured to the plates of fruit, pasta, and brownies between them. “I replicated all this, I promise,” she teased, resting her plate on her thighs. 

Chakotay laughed, but when he spoke, his dimples disappeared. “It’s wonderful, Kathryn. Thank you.” He reached for the bottle of Atarian cider propped against the picnic basket, and Kathryn thanked any deity listening for the alcohol.

“Do you think Tom scheduled this night off on purpose?”

Kathryn shrugged and leaned back on her hands. Delicious as the food looked, her summersaulting stomach had a different opinion. “We’re his friends, and we’re about to burst into the quadrant for another round of debriefings. I think he did.”

“If he wasn’t already my first officer, I’d promote him,” Chakotay teased, handing her a glass of cider.

Kathryn toasted him. “My thoughts exactly.” She felt Chakotay’s eyes on her as she took a sip. “What is it?”

Chakotay draped his arms over his bended knees, his glass dangling in one hand. “I don’t think Tom manipulated the roster for us so we could talk about debriefings.”

Only now did Kathryn notice that he hadn’t touched his food either.

“No,” Kathryn whispered, and took another drink.

Chakotay smiled in that way that made her remember that she could be herself around him, that she could trust him.

Kathryn reached for her fork. “My mother would be pleased to know that this is her fettucine alfredo recipe,” she said, forcing the conversation into lighter territory. “And in a couple weeks, you’ll be able to tell her yourself how much you enjoyed it.”

“I’d love to see your mother,” Chakotay said. “I heard from Sekaya, and she’s going to stay on Earth for a while. I believe her words were _so you aren’t forced to abandon Kathryn for your lame sister_.”

His joke coincided with a tricky maneuvering of noodles into Kathryn’s mouth, so her free hand hovered under her chin to catch the falling pasta. Chakotay reached for the nearest napkin and leaned over the food to wipe her chin. “So messy,” he chided.

Kathryn tossed one of the doomed noodles at him. “At least your sister is nicer to me than you are.” This banter felt better than anything since his kiss. “We should bring her to Mom’s too. Mom loves guests.”

“You want _Phoebe_ and _Sekaya_ in the same room?”

For the rest of the dinner, the conversation didn’t waver into deeper territory. With the privacy locks on, the fleet headed for New Talax at maximum warp, and Tom on the bridge, nothing could disturb their evening. Almost three years of first contacts and near-death experiences left precious few opportunities for them to talk without keeping an eye on the time or hurrying through a discussion. Nursing her second glass of wine, Kathryn listened to Chakotay tell her that he and Harry gave the youngest Paris his first tour of the bridge, or that El’nor Sal had indiscreetly started a pool on the exact time the first ship in the fleet entered Earth’s atmosphere. She could listen to him talk all evening, because no lives hung in the balance, and soon, she would have so much to say. 

By the time the last brownie crumb melted on Chakotay’s tongue, the sun had started to set, and Kathryn knew the time had come. While her anxiety still lingered, time with Chakotay always placated her doubts. “Do you want to take the boat out before it gets dark?” she asked, toeing her feet back into the flats she’d kicked off halfway through the meal.

When Chakotay helped Kathryn to her feet, he snaked an arm around her waist and pulled her flush against him. “I’m kind of hoping we’re still on the boat when it gets dark,” he murmured.

Kathryn’s low laugh made Chakotay shudder. “You’ve got to get me onboard first, Captain.”

Chakotay kissed her once more, no doubt enticed by the use of his rank, before dragging her to the boat. He helped Kathryn climb in first, before shoving the vessel and jumping in after Kathryn. She squealed and grasped at the oars when the craft rocked precariously to the right, but she had it straightened out after three strokes.

Kathryn winced as the wood scraped against a protruding boulder. “Perhaps I should hand you the reins,” she said, offering him the oars.

For a few minutes, they rode in silence, enraptured by the reflection of the sunset on the water and the new memories being made in an environment that once held so much potential for them. Kathryn closed her eyes, letting the light of the artificial sun warm her face and the mist from the river temper the heat.

If I had let him love me, would it have felt like this, all those years ago?

 _No_. _I hadn’t learned to let go._

“I’ve been thinking about the future.” Kathryn’s voice sounded unsteady to her ears, so she stole a glance at Chakotay to make sure he hadn’t noticed. Or that he had.

He was staring at her like she was a miracle of science that he could spend eternity studying.

“That’s something we haven’t allowed ourselves to do very often,” she continued. “But I remember when we spoke of a life beyond answering to duty, but we couldn’t risk our present for a future that may not have come.”

“Yet here we are.” Chakotay’s voice barely drifted above the splash of the oars against the water.

Kathryn smiled at him, hoping to assuage any doubts he harbored about the direction of this conversation. “Here we are, close enough to that future that I’d say it’s reasonable enough to plan.”

Chakotay let go of the oars, allowing the gentle current to whisk them downstream. “I’d say so too,” he said, as if she’d change her mind if he agreed too vehemently. “Has—has what you want for our future…changed?”

The fear in his voice drove Kathryn to crawl closer to him. She settled on her knees in the hollow of the boat and patted the space closest to Chakotay. “Come sit with me. I’ll tell you what I want.”

Chakotay clambered off his seat, and once he settled, he offered her his hands.

“I remember a night under the stars with you,” she began. “A night when you once again proved to be the most thoughtful partner, when you held my hand and waded as far into the future as we were willing to go, when you told me that my happiness was—was indistinguishable from yours.” She swallowed the lump in her throat after she uttered his words for the first time. She didn’t notice the tear inching down her cheek until Chakotay brushed it away with his thumb. Leaning into his touch, she continued. “You helped me trust that no matter what fights, what orders, what people try to separate us, you will always love me. Now, so close to the end of yet another journey, I’ve been thinking about us…” Looking at him now, she had no doubts. After years of disagreements, skirmishes, broken trust, and healing, they longed for the same miracle.

“Chakotay, I want to step into that future we’ve been waiting for.” Kathryn didn’t bother to conceal the tremor in her voice. “I’ve known for years that I would spend the rest of my life with you, but only recently did I realize that I want to be your wife.” Just like that, the secret that had been stuffed in her heart tumbled out into reality, and disaster didn’t strike. Basking in that truth, she climbed into Chakotay’s lap and cradled his face in her hands. The streaks of tears had already provided his answer, and she didn’t dare wipe them away. “I want to be your wife, but that’s a decision for two people.”

Chakotay stuttered a laugh and weaved his arms through Kathryn’s to hold her face as well. “I want to be your husband,” he said, with a voice steadier than Kathryn expected.

As his tears rolled over her hands, Kathryn smiled. “So we’ve come to an agreement?”

“Yes.” Once Chakotay uttered the word, he couldn’t stop. He whispered it over and over as they rocked in an embrace, murmured it against her lips before they met, breathed it against her neck like the word and its promise were keeping him alive. His answer echoed in Kathryn’s ears after he finally stopped, too overcome to do anything but hold her. They remained wrapped around each other, bobbing with the lapping river, until the sun slipped beneath the horizon, and the stars welcomed them home.

**Author's Note:**

> Phrases in reference to past conversations come from Kirsten Beyer's Atonement and Architects of Infinity, both of which you should start reading right now. Thanks for reading!


End file.
